male tajne velikih majstora kuhinje i zavođenja

It was the night before Božić and all through the kuća, The air smelled of spicy sarma and rakija vruća. By the dimnjak the šlapice were hung kinda krivo, In hopes that Sveti Nikola would soon bring me some pivo. Tata was in his soba and he was snoring pretty hard, I guess he was tired from stealing the tree from my neighbor's backyard. Mama was in the basement cooking like a fool, Adding just the right amount of Vegeta to the juha and fazol. When out on the lawn there arose such galama, Tata yelled from his room "Pa, koji je kurac vama!" There was a knocking on the front door with such a loud barrage, I yelled through the window "This is a Croatian house...come in through the garage!" And standing in the garage right next to my car, Was my drunk Tetak Joza coming home from the bar. "Ajde, odi spavat," I told him with might, Ain't nobody gonna ruin my chances of seeing Sveti Nikola tonight. About two hours later I heard a noise downstairs, So I jumped from my krevet to see who was there. Standing by the tree and eating some leftover pizza, Was good 'ol Sveti Nikola reeking of homemade šljivovica! He was all dressed in red and big as an ox, And wore some brown sandale along with black socks. Smelling like a gypsy that's been drinking for days, He wasn't what I expected...I was actually amazed. "U pizdu mater, kako mrzim ovaj posao," he said, And then I think he muttered something about his wife and how he wished she was dead. He put the presents under the tree while whistling a Christmas beat, They were all wrapped up kinda shitty with the paper bags from Ottawa Street.12 čarape for me and 12 for my brother,3 pairs of gace for my dad and a can of turska kava for my mother. This Croatian Santa was crooked...he was nothing like the fable, I should of known it when he swiped my pack of smokes from the table. I yelled "Hey!" as Sveti Nikola turned around like a car, Throwing his šlapa at me as if it were a ninja star. The look in his eyes was nothing but fright, He said "Jebo ti pas mater" and dashed out of sight. Up through the dimnjak I heard a loud shriek, Sveti Nikola had just farted like some wild bik. He got in his kaput, made for hladne zime, And he yelled at his jelene, ime po ime. "Naprijed Marko i Darko, Petar i Ante, Ajde Josip i Nenad, Ivo i Mate..." And then he yelled, "Ajdemo brzo, moramo poć," SRETAN BOŽIĆ SVIMA i SVIMA LAKU NOĆ!!!