izmedju tijela i sna, ova je ordinacija.

heh, rekao bih, ako nista drugo, mozda joj ovom njenom trajnom borbom za rastom (sto valjda je vjerovala tako?) pomazem da bude sretna s nekim drugim...?
pa i to je nesto.
(i, mislim da sam u tome skuzhio tragiku svoje ljubavnicke prakse naposljetku... cini mi se da sam onaj koji drage gospodicne s kojima biva u odnosima uspjeshno priredi za vezu s nekim drugim... tjah, nije da me posebno veseli, al ... bolje pogledat ovako s pozitivne strane dobitka drugog, nego sebicne strane u kojoj samo mogu konstatirati nezadovoljenost svojim gubitkom.)
 

Docekali su me Cocteaui, stavljeni CD od nocas:
volim taj thrill susreta, ugodan nemir, i nepoznato. I bojim se tog osjecaja, ne toliko zbog ocekivanja koliko zbog njegove prolaznosti, i moje ovisnosti o njemu...
-1-
    Sjecam se jos katkad onog dana kad si mi polusramezljivo rekla da me zelish straga. Klecala si odupiruci se tjemenom i laktom o krevet, dok sam, kako nas je jos u mladosti Brando naucio, palcem topio putar izmedju oblina tvojih polutki, kako bih mogao uci. Ovaj put odlucio sam sve zaciniti s nesto djumbirovog praha. I da, znam, kasnije cu paziti da ti vlazno medjunozje ne doticem istim prstom. Uostalom, i cemu uopce... Zanimljivije mi te je pustiti da sama vise ne uzmognesh izdrzati, pa se pozelis dirati sama, ja cu posegnuti za tvojom grudi. Drugom rukom drzat cu te za rame, da ti olaksam ublazivanje njihaja, ali da, sve je ionako jako jako, necu biti grub, pomaci ce biti blagi. Boli li te? Malo, tiho bi zastenjala kao da si robinja vlastitog uzitka.
Da, ali zar ti zaista mislish da mi je ugodno o tome pisati ?!!
-2-
    Krao sam srca. Bojao sam se sebe. Tijela mi nisu trebala, osjecao bih se odvec nesavrseno da sam si to dopushtao. Stoga granica koju sam si postavio: nikad nisam imao tijelo nekog kome ne bih dao i srce. Neka bar i mene boli, kad to njihovo progutam. Da, bojim se tjelesnosti s tobom. Kako da uzivam, ako ti tu hranu moze pruziti mnogi? Uostalom, koliko doista i ti u tome mozes uzivati? A ja? Da, znam: kako da mi vjerujesh, kad ja mogu pisati pjesme i bilo kojoj drugoj, obecavati zivot udvoje? Mozes li mi biti inspiracija? Mogu li biti to tvoje zeljeno tijelo?
(op.a. Citam logove ispod, uglavnom, svi sretni da se zakljuci da je odgovor da smo probali i da ne, koliko vidim... tjah, pa valjda ljudi sa strane dobro vide, treba ih slushati..?!)
    Ja se bojim tih ponudjenih pladnjeva sa srcima, svojih nagona za jelom. I spas koji nazirem je kraj nesvjesnosti: da, misao, racionalna i kontrolirajuca, kao nada kraju osjecaja krivnje sto ne mogu ostvariti ono sto mi treba, sto zelim. Kao kraj obrasca slabosti. Prepoznati se prije nego li je prekasno. Da, imas pravo laksi nacin nije rjesenje. Imam pravo, znam. Napor jest. Mozda naucimo. Stoga si toliko i znacimo. I zbog drugog. Hranio sam se kraduci sigurnost koju su mi dale. Kasnije mi nije trebala ni osoba ni tijelo. Ili njoj moje? Svejedno je, ne zadovoljava me. Kratkovidni smo. U zivotu dvoje ima vise od toga nego sto je samo zadovoljavanje svojih potreba pomocu drugih ljudi!
[Mozda je upravo u zivotu u dvoje sve sto treba samo brinuti se o zadovoljavanju potreba drugog, onime sto jesmo? No, da, ali za to treba povjerenje, bez granica.]
    Zelim se izdresirati, kako bi zadovoljio svoje prave potrebe. I to tako da mogu ponovno vjerovati spontanosti da me vodi onamo kamo zelim doci. Jer zaborav sna, i svjesnost budjenja se uvijek inace bore.
Jutra su mi najdraza: tren prije nego sto nestaje sna, a svijest je vec prisutna.
-3-
Dugotrajno poniranje u sebe, i bijesne, obijesno povrshne erupcije aktivnosti.
Ustrajnost povjerenja u sebe i u to da mozemo imati to sto zelimo, bez obzira na to da mozda to sto zelimo nije to sto zelimo, cini mi se jedino pruza neko utisavanje krajnosti, neko utociste mira, zadovoljstvo, i mogucnost srece.
-4-
Kocka je bila neprobojna, udarala je ta njena unutrasnjost u stijenke, uporno i dugo, i uporno, i dugo. Tako dugo i uporno da su stijenke pocele dobivati oblik, zaobljavale se, svijale i uvijale ... Mozda se naposljetku ti ostri rubovi otope, mozda se pretvori u kuglu i otkotrlja. Ili, mozda iz tih stijenki naposljetku izrastu ruke, i noge, mozda se nakraju i rodi covjek, zena ?!
 

opet, bitne su nijanse, al ovo je uhhhm jako jako... /:/
 
The Narcissistic-Perfectionist Type
        Lacking aggressive qualities, he is defenseless against aggressive types.  He does not "play the game", does not split his personality to a subdued state, and cannot be induced into an aggressive-vindictive rage.  He is usually not sexually aggressive in a predatory manner.  Since his love relations cannot be based on a dominant-submissive relationship, he loves on the basis of his narcissistic and perfectionist qualities.  In particular, he loves because he should love, and he is tender because he should be tender.  In fact, he will do anything that a devoted mate should do, simply because his inner nature tells him, "I deserve it to myself and to everyone that I should do everything perfectly."
          He has a strong sense of duty:  dutifulness to his family, to his friends, to his country, perhaps to his god, and to himself.  In his duty to himself he must accomplish what he must, and this may sometimes be one detailed task after another.  Thus, he may develop a "workaholic" quality to his life, always seemingly busy and always late.  He may be a contemplative procrastinator.  He is, therefore, punctilious but not necessarily punctual.
          He is almost universally liked, or regarded to be a quiet person who is benignly tolerated. In American parlance, he is often a "nice guy" or a "fine gal".  He may be somewhat prudish or even pious.  He seems to be rather aloof, ignoring others in a benign way as he quietly goes about his business of pursuits for his own self-satisfaction.  However, he is easily approachable and almost always tries to be helpful.  He may present himself as a straightforward, uncomplicated person, even a "Simple Simon", but this is misleading and it is only on closer examination that we see the stringent demands that he places on himself.
         His natural facial expression is a poker-face or dead-pan look of perfectionist restraint.  As he plays his game of cards, he holds them close to his chest, and he does not particularly wish to discuss how his game is proceeding.  In fact, he secretly has everything invested in the finality of success and in the recognition of his success by others.  Thus, if recognition does come in any shape or form, whether it is a colleague to bring him good cheer, or actual recognition for something well done in an actual limelight, then he will smile.  And his gingival smile, whenever it breaks out through his poker-faced visage, is a sight to behold!  It is a warm, radiant, captivating smile, a kind of sheepish smile, appearing suddenly like the sun breaking through the clouds, or of a Cheshire cat suddenly appearing in the mist.  It is often so breathtakingly, sincerely radiant that one is led to believe that this smile by itself is enough to give the human race its redeeming social value.  And it does not take much insight to realize that this smile is the smile of narcissism bursting forth through the clouds of perfectionism. 
          This usually quiet, unaggressive individual easily bends to the will of others, right?  Wrong!!  He is persistent.  He is obstinate.  He is recalcitrant.  He is downright stubborn.  He has a will all of his own, and if he wants to do something in his own orderly way, then wild horses will not be able to budge him from his position.
          Finally, in his deal with life, "I will be perfect, so life will be perfect to me", he is especially vulnerable to any failure intruding into his existence, whether it be a flat tire on his automobile, a natural disaster or the loss of a loved one.  Such failures may register not only as deep disappointments, but as hopeless reversals in what he perceives should be a natural order in life.
          In the context of mating, the NP type is not aggressive and usually not predatory, although he will certainly acknowledge that he is a sexual being. He tends not to "fall in love" easily because the decision to devote himself to a mate must be a perfect decision, and such a perfect decision, like all of his decisions, is not easily made on the spur of the moment.  If he enters into a long-term relationship with an aggressive-vindictive personage, for example with an NA type, he may suffer in silence like the "brave wife" or the "henpecked husband", all the while berating himself for not being perfect enough to make the relationship an ideal one.
          In the final analysis, his lack of free will has a poignant quality.  He may at heart be so innately sympathetic, so intrinsically devoid of evil... so "good", that it is almost pathetic to see him go through life, whatever his real accomplishments, a prisoner of his own demands on himself.
 

...naposljetku, bez c/p. Nakon sto se procitaju razne stvari, i pusti se da ih probavimo, onda se u nekim trenucima uvidi otvaraju sami.
(ovdje sebe gledam u zrcalo, u nadi da ce na taj nacin i drugi moci lakse citati, bez da vas opterecujem projekcijama svojih stavova na vas)Zasto tisina? Jer sam se potrosio u prevelikoj zelji, jer se trebam zastititi od vanjskog za koje sam vezan, i kad me ta veza pocinje boliti. Ta zastita nije nuzno losa stvar, samo je iskljucivost idealizacije ispunjenja, odnosno posljedicno odustajanje ono sto je lose.
(Mala disgresija: Nije problem iskljucivo taj sto se u odnosima ne valja pomiriti s onim sto nas ne zadovoljava, problem je i taj sto se u toj zelji za zadovoljstvom ne valja imati nerealne predodzbe sto nam ikoji odnos moze uopce pruziti. No, o tome malo kasnije, i vezano uz to sto jest covjek.)
Tisina, negacija, je reakcija na zelju, idealizam, i akciju, afirmaciju. Dijalektika, sada procitana u psihoanalitickom kontekstu vezanom za osobe koje vole sagledavati stvari iskljucivo, omogucuje sintezu zelja, kao afirmativnih stremljenja ispunjenju, a istovremeno i omogucuje onaj odmak od tih zelja koji nam omogucuje da se ostvarenju istih uopce tezi... (primjer: strah od pokusaja ostvarenja snova, jer ce se pokazati manje nego snovi.) Odmak, odnosno svjesno gledanje ogranicenja situacije, kao i ispunjenja kao takvog (utopljen sam u njoj sada kao sto cu i onda biti, nemam ju sada kao sto ju ni onda necu imati) omogucuje smanjenje grcha u teznji.
Svijest o postojanju sebe i drugog nuzna je kako bi se moglo posve predati nekom. Dakako, ovo je sve prica, i ovo su _misli_, a one su potaknute _osjecajem_, tom toplinom koja me obuzima misleci o njoj. Dvojnost koja ne moze biti iskljuciva ukoliko se zeli biti skupa. Sinteza dakle koju nudim je razumijevanje svega napisanog ovdje, kao i razumijevanje da se poriv za to vezanje za bash odredjenu osobu ne moze svjesno opisati, kao ni osjecaji koji me gone da razmisljam o tome. Svjesni odmak, koji je narusen nespoznatljivoscu osjecaja, i osjecaji predanosti koji su guseni svjesnom spoznajom o postojanju vishka sna... i o neopravdanosti tog entuzijazma, kojem se i dalje pokoravam  :-)
Prava mjera stvari je kljucna, dovesti da se sunce i mjesec pogledaju jest silno tesko, ali to nismo birali. Covjek ima u zivotu neke zadace, pa kazu da su mu dane bas onakve kakve mu trebaju: i sad mislim, sinteza jest ogranicavanje polarnosti, svakog ponaosob. Pri tome _pustajuci_ polarnosti da budu ono sto jesu, jer inace sinteza nije moguca. Pri sintezi jednako je lose voditi se samo mislima kao i samo osjecajima. Prozeo me osjecaj trnaca koji mi idu tijelom kad sam u gornjem tekstu shvatio da me misli ne dovode do rjesenja, trebalo je pustiti i osjecaje da utjecu na zakljucke :)))Zato je to tako tesko opisati. Te recepte naime. Treba ih prozivjeti. Zato zen nema tekstove, nego iskustveno ucenje.
Sinteza spoznaje (procitane psihoanaliticke literature, nasih tekstova i promatranja sebe, i citanja nje) podudara se s mogucnoscu kako mi se cini, sinteze mene i svijeta. Tu je sinkronicitet stvari. Ali ima toga i dalje, i dolje:
Sto je covjek dakle, jesam li ja misao? Pa rekao sam vec da nisam, jer znam sto mi se zbiva intuitivno... A nisam niti osjecaj jer znam da sam kao osjecaj cesto odredjen proslim iskustvima koja me ogranicavaju u sretnom zivotu... Ja sam dakle fluidna tvar, nasljedje okoline, i mislju, i osjecajima, ali koja sadrzi to neko obecanje buducnosti, mogucnost promjene u teznji za nespoznatim, ispunjenjem o kojem sad imam jedan pogled, a nesto poslije cemo se i taj pogled i ja sam promijeniti... ne samo da ne znamo da li cemo ostvariti ciljeve, nego ne mozemo niti znati koji ce oni sutra - biti. Svijest o povezanosti sebe i okoline/drugih (roditelji, odgoj, i sva iskustva mahom su povezana s drugima, dakle ja sam specificna manifestacija cak i ne posve primarno nedefinirane stvari, ja sam genetski odredjen, dakle po tome partikularan, ali i po okolisu u kojem sam se oblikovao: bio-socijalna manifestacija opcenitog principa na kojem funkcionira DNA, jedan moguci zavrsetak njenog razvojnog ciklusa, recimo...) to je pak moje antropomorfno vidjenje boga ...
(ako koga zanima, ima tome donekle nalik nesto jako interesantno u novom zarezu... nema jos linka na stranicama (www.zarez.hr), ali referenca je Maurice Dantec - Neuro-polarni cyber-punk. Tocnije, rijec je o njegovoj novoj knjizi: Babylon Babies. Mu. I ne bih se cudio da za njega netko vec dobro zna... korisno bi bilo znat francuski za njegove tekstove kako vidim. )

HOW TO SMELL A MATE
How does body odor affect a woman's sexiness? Scientists don't know for sure, but they do know that a man's allure depends in part on how many immune system genes he shares with a potential mate.
Since it's known that women can detect genetic compatibility by smell--it's not that men can't but that so far no one knows--the onus is on females to sniff out a suitable squire.
Choosing a genetically compatible partner can be difficult it today's perfume rich postindustrial jungle, and getting your immune system genes profiled can be expensive. Before you run to a doctor for blood work to see whether your mate is a suitable match--and sire for your future children--try listening to your nose. (Unfortunately, the sniff test will only work if you're not taking birth control pills.)
1. Declare a deception-free day for the nostrils. Have your beau shower with fragrance-free soap and wear clean cotton clothing for a day, away from smokers and the perfumed masses. Be sure you don't have a cold, and that you yourself haven't been around smokers for a few days.
2. After he spends a day and a night in his cotton clothes, before he tosses them in the direction of the hamper, wrestle them from him and have a "smelldown." Make it a romantic experience. If your man's shirt doesn't offend, you should be safe. (Find the scent alluring or sexy? Even better! That attraction is nature's way of telling you he's a safe contributor to your offspring's genetic ensemble.)
3. If your man's odor reminds you of your father or of a brother, you may want to consider getting in touch with your doctor and ask about genetic tests before trying to conceive a child. Tell the doctor you're concerned that you may share a close MHC or "HLA" profile. (HLA, for human leukocyte antigen, is a technical tag for human MHC.) Meanwhile, a deceptively pleasing gift of cologne might be in order.
4. Genetic incompatibility is not the only reason you may find his odor offensive. Does his body scent seem unusually intense? He might have a medical condition that explains the smell. Ask him to bring it up at his next medical checkup. A very sweet scent is sometimes evidence of diabetes or schizophrenia--both of which appear to be heritable. It is wise to discuss these issues with each other, and with a doctor, before having kids.
5. Before you decide that your relationship stinks, check your mate's diet. A taste for spicy foods or an overindulgence in garlic can cause strong body odors.
6. If your mate still offends, don't head for the hills just yet. Some clothing detergents can prove to be a bad mix with a fella's scent. Ask that the next time he visits the laundry, he change brands--and give the stinker a second chance!
 

Kako neobicno, nevino:
Golemi bijeli prostori tisine,
Kao da cine,
kao da te ne volim,
(ali znam, naucio sam, sve to je  - samo privid.)
 
(hehe a sad kad sam vas navukao... procitajte i ovo dolje, cisto oni koji me, il koga drugog, sebe mozda cak, hoce upoznati bolje.)
Kernberg's Borderline Personality organization
Diagnoses of BPO are based on three categories of criteria. The first, and most important, category, comprises two signs:

the absence of psychosis (i.e., the ability to perceive reality accurately)
impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self. Kernberg is quoted as saying, "Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."
Kernberg believes that borderlines are distinguished from neurotics by the presence of "primitive defenses." Chief among these is splitting, in which a person or thing is seen as all good or all bad. Note that something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they last interacted with the borderline.
Other primitive defenses cited include magical thinking (beliefs that thoughts can cause events), omnipotence, projection of unpleasant characteristics in the self onto others and projective identification, a process where the borderline tries to elicit in others the feelings s/he is having. Kernberg also includes as signs of BPO chaotic, extreme relationships with others; an inability to retain the soothing memory of a loved one; transient psychotic episodes; denial; and emotional amnesia. About the last, Linehan says, "Borderline individuals are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood."
Gunderson's conception of BPD
Gunderson's criteria in order of their importance:

Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Gunderson admits that this symptom is somewhat general, but considers it so central to BPD that he says he would hesitate to diagnose a patient as BPD without its presence.
Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication.
Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.
In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.
Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad."
Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
Heavy need for affection and reassurance
Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy
Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:

People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
An important feature of DBT is the assumption that it is the emotional regulation system itself that is disordered, not only specific emotions of fear, anger, or shame. Thus, BPD individuals may also experience intense and unregulated positive emotions such as love and interest. All problematic behaviors of BPD individuals are seen as related to re-regulating out of control emotions or as natural outcomes of unregulated emotions.
What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?
Linehan theorizes that borderlines are born with an innate biological tendency to react more intensely to lower levels of stress than others and to take longer to recover. They peak "higher" emotionally on less provocation and take longer coming down. In addition, they were raised in environments in which their beliefs about themselves and their environment were continually devalued and invalidated. These factors combine to create adults who are uncertain of the truth of their own feelings and who are confronted by three basic dialectics they have failed to master (and thus rush frantically from pole to pole of):

vulnerability vs invalidation
active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)
unremitting crises vs inhibited grief.
DBT tries to teach clients to balance these by giving them training in skills of mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation.
(o ovome vise rijeci u nastavku o terapiji... izgleda, dakle, da zaista _ne_moramo_ patiti kako bi sebi i drugima pokazali da i kad nam fale... budi vesela, i s tobom sam.)
 

(e, ovo nije cak ni tooooolko dugo, a vrrrrlo je inspirativno, i citko...preporucam procitati... kao i uvijek, nijanse su vazne, nije bas korisno odma nekog/sebe tako okarakterizirat, ali doprinosi toga nadju se cesto...:)
btw, BP=borderline personality
Relationship and Romance Addicts
by Randi Kreger
Ms. Kreger is the Author of the best-selling books Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder
...
But in truth, BOTH parties bear some responsibility for the unhealthy aspects of the “dance” between BPs and non-BPs. It’s crucial for each person to look within themselves and take responsibility for their part in the dance. Taking responsibility for your part of the dance is not “buying in” to the accusations that “it’s all your fault.” It’s no one’s “fault”; each person is doing the best they can with the tools they have available to them. If you’re a non-BP, you know how the BP’s actions hurt the relationship. You need to be validated, listened to, and learn strategies for coping with this. But at some point, you also need to look at how your own behavior may be contributing to the problem. One way to do this is to determine if you are acting the part of a “savior” or relationship/romance “addict.”
 
Some people—non-BPs and BPs alike—may be what Dr. Susan Forward calls “relationship addicts.” These are people who are not addicted to one person, but someone who cannot feel “whole” without some kind of relationship, no matter how bad.She calls one type of relationship addict “Saviors.” These are people who are drawn to people who need fixing—people with massive problems that only the person themselves can fix with professional help. But the “Savior” believes only they have the power to fix this person’s problems. How romantic! How noble! How reinforcing when it sometimes works! What a losing proposition!
Saviors, say Forward, believe that once they solve their partner’s problems, this person will become the magical, perfect lover. And the Savior will be finally seen as the good, compassionate caretaker whose primary concern is always someone else’s needs. Here, the BPs and non-BPs greatest fear is the same thing: abandonment. “If their fixing becomes habitual and their lover becomes dependent upon them, the Savior feels indispensable,” says Forward. “And once they believe their love can’t do without them, they can, for the time being, allay their greatest fear: abandonment. Forward says you may be a Savior if you think you can change your partner even though:
· You find yourself lying to cover up for your partner.
· You are constantly lending money that your partner doesn’t pay back.
· You’re always bailing your partner out of trouble.
· Your partner keeps secrets and lies to you about fidelity, past marriages, criminal activity, or past jobs.
· Your partner is addicted to something harmful to themselves or the family and shows no real signs of stopping.
· You must rely on the courts, the police, trusted friends to help you with your partner’s destructive behavior
· You are preoccupied with getting your partner into any kind of treatment.
· You believe that if the obvious problems disappeared, your relationship would be perfect.
· You take over and try to control things your partner should be doing, e.g. looking up classified ads to find them a job, looking into government benefits, etc.
· You feel guilty that you’re not doing enough to help your partner, or guilty that your obsession is taking you away from your own life. Relationship Addiction
In her book Escape from Intimacy: Untangling the “Love” Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships
(1989) Author Anne Wilson Schaef describes “relationship addicts” and “romance addicts.” Both types may or may not have BPD.Relationship addicts:
§ Quickly dive into relationships based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals. They do this because they want a relationship, yet fear truly revealing themselves because of their “flaws.”
§ May have developed relationship skills such as listening, being open, and other techniques. They may have gained a great deal of knowledge about what goes into an intimate relationship. Yet their partnerships are less than they could be because they do not bring a fully formed sense of identity into the relationship.
§ Hang on when things are obviously bad because they don’t feel they could survive without the other person.
§ Believe they can “make relationships happen by sheer force of will; they believe they can make others love them through sheer tenacity. In this process they become progressively more controlling, defensive, and blaming…’Burned out’ relationship addicts become progressively deadened by their disease, and any spiritual awareness becomes meaningless to them or just too exhausting.”
§ Lie to themselves and others about the sacrifices they make (including value judgments) and even put their children’s well-being below their need for a relationship.
§ Feel that love and suffering go together that coffee and cream. They romanticize the suffering and martyrdom that people do for love that is so popularized in our culture. Romance Addiction
According to Schaef, romance addicts are in love with the idea of love (cue in birds, butterflies and flowers here, along with the song Someday My Prince Will Come).
§ Romance addicts are looking for those highs; that buzz provided by new relationships. They want candlelight dinners and romantic cards; boxes of chocolates and suites reserved at the honeymoon suite at the best hotel in town. In fact, they’re more concerned with the setting than the actual person they’re with.
§ After the high wears off, these addicts go into a high system of denial. “Romance addicts do not want to know their potential mates. They want to look good with them” says Schaef….”Romance addiction is mood altering…no matter what romance addicts have, it’s never enough…addicts spend more and more time in their illusions and remove themselves further from [their own lives.] It takes more and more to get a fix.
§ Romance addiction, like all addictions, can be fatal. One married man put off having a checkup when he had signs of prostate cancer; in actuality, he was beginning an affair and was worried about his lover’s reaction to potential surgery. The lover eventually did go away; the cancer did not. By he time he had the tests done, it was too late.
If you fit the profile of a Savior or an Addict, you may want to read the books by the above authors, see a therapist, and/or join an online support group for people in the same boat. Randi Kregerwww.BPDCentral.com
 
Dialectical Behavior Therapy addresses the tendency of people with BPD to see things in black and white extremes. It helps them find the middle ground between overvaluing themselves and their ideas, on the one hand, and condemning themselves, on the other. It simultaneously seeks to build self-esteem and to challenge the status quo, encouraging changes that will make life more fulfilling. When successful, DBT creates a stable context for experience and corrects the discontinuity of experience that is the central theme of Lost in the Mirror. DBT also focuses on developing problem-solving skills, interpersonal skills, an increased ability to regulate emotions, and the capacity to tolerate stress and pain.
 

(gluoni, bezmasene cestice nevidljivog privlacenja, koje je moguce definirati samo preko njihovih medjudjelovanja, a ipak stoje u temelju svega i drze svijet subatomskih cestica na okupu. ne postoje osim u medjudjelovanjima kojima stvaraju kvarkove, koji mogu postojati samo u suzanjstvu po dva, tri ili cak pet.)
http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/hbase/particles/quark.html#c6
(ovo rekao bih poprilicno vrijedi za oboje.)
Basic Principles
In short, great respect must be shown for a dependent patient's feelings of attachment, no matter how pathological those feelings seem to the observer.
Cluster C: The Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD)
Essential Feature
The essential feature of the dependent personality disorder is a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that results in submissive and clinging behavior. Individuals with DPD fear separation; they engage in dependent behavior to elicit caregiving.
Passive-dependent individuals are characterized by:
excessive needs and wants;
overt dependency;
transparent, intense, unremitting need to be loved in stable long-term relationships that go through minimal change;
little need to overtly control or compete with others if female; males may be more clearly controlling and competitive;
anxiety and fear when deprived of significant relationships;
even when content, fearing the loss of the relationships they have; and,
dependence on a number of people, any one of whom can substitute for the other.
Individuals with DPD subjugate their personal needs to those of others, tolerate mistreatment, and fail to be appropriately self-assertive. In females, DPD is likely to consist of a pattern of submissiveness. In males, DPD may involve a pattern of autocratic behavior.
The baseline DPD position of marked submissiveness to a dominant person is supposed to ensure unending nurturance. The connection is maintained even if the relationship is abusive because individuals with DPD believe that they cannot survive without the dominance and guidance. They live their lives in a manner calculated to avoid disturbing or offending others.
Stone believes that three of the diagnostic items for DPD may be viewed as tactics to maintain a hold on important others:
pressuring for reassurance;
mindlessly agreeing with others in case disagreement could result in rejection;
doing favors for the purpose of being ingratiating.
Other criteria can be seen as characterological symptoms of the failure of the first three defensive maneuvers:
being inordinately hurt by criticism or mild disapproval;
submissiveness;
clingingness.
Both normal and personality-disordered individuals can exhibit strong dependency-related needs; it is the way these needs are expressed that differentiates the two.
The parent/child relationship appears to be the major causal factor in the development of dependent personality traits. He believes that two parenting styles lead to high levels of dependency: authoritarian parenting and overprotective parenting. The consequences of these two types of parenting are the development of beliefs that dependent individuals cannot function without the guidance and protection of others, and that the way to maintain relationships is to acquiesce to requests, expectations, and demands.
DPD is often co-morbid with BPD and HPD. A common factor for both DPD and BPD is the fear of abandonment. Individuals with BPD will respond to abandonment with feelings of emotional emptiness and rage. They will increase their demands on significant others. Individuals with DPD will react with increasing appeasement and submissiveness. People with DPD are self-effacing and docile compared to the gregarious flamboyance and active demands of those with HPD.
(Legenda: DPD = Dependent Personality disorder, HPD = Histrionic Personality disorder, BPD = Borderline Personality disorder, co-morbid = pojavljuju se skupa)
Self-Image
Within protective relationships, individuals with DPD will be self-effacing, obsequious, agreeable, docile, and ingratiating. They will deny their individuality and subordinate their desires to significant others. They internalize the beliefs and values of significant others. They imagine themselves to be one with or a part of more powerful and supporting others.
View of Others
DPD judgement of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were rather than as they are. These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive.
 Relationships
Individuals with DPD see relationships with significant others as necessary for survival. In order to establish and maintain these life-sustaining relationships, people with DPD will avoid even covert expressions of anger. They will be more than meek and docile; they will be admiring, loving, and willing to give their all. They will be loyal, unquestioning, and affectionate. They will be tender and considerate toward those upon whom they depend.
Dependent individuals play the inferior role to the superior other very well; they communicate to the dominant people in their lives that they are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent. With these methods, individuals with DPD are often able to get along with unpredictable, isolated, or unpleasant people. To further make this possible, individuals with DPD will approach both their own and others' failures and shortcomings with a saccharine attitude and indulgent tolerance. They will engage in a mawkish minimization, denial, or distortion of both their own and others' negative, self-defeating, or destructive behaviors to sustain an idealized, and sometimes fictional, story of the relationships upon which they depend.
It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship. It is the strength of the dependency needs that is being addressed; attachment figures are basically interchangeable.
Both DPD and HPD are distinguished from other personality disorders by their need for social approval and affection and by their willingness to live in accord with the desires of others. They both feel paralyzed when they are alone and need constant assurance that they will not be abandoned. Individuals with DPD are passive individuals who lean on others to guide their lives. People with HPD are active individuals who take the initiative to arrange and modify the circumstances of their lives. They have the will and ability to take charge of their lives and to make active demands on others.
 DPD Behavior
These individuals show remarkable patience and persistence in maintaining what they have. They will use cajolery, bribery, moral censure, promises to change (rarely kept) and even threats to keep elationships upon which they depend. They rarely strive for anything more than the preservation of what they have; their efforts are put into avoiding failure.
Like individuals with the other personality disorders, dependent people have a tendency to live in fantasy with insufficient input from current reality.
Affective Issues
The main affect experienced by individuals with DPD is anxiety. They are insecure; they fear abandonment and the disapproval of others; and, they experience considerable discomfort when alone.
Dependent individuals depend on others for safety, help, and gratification. They are characterized by passive receiving. They require stability, predictability and reassurance in relationships. Rejection is considered worse than aloneness so no risks are taken that might lead to alienation of others. They do not feel able to cope with the unexpected.
Defensive Structure
The primary defense mechanism for individuals with DPD is introjection. These individuals go beyond identification to seek internalization of the more powerful other; they long for an inseparable interpersonal bond. Threats and conflicts in the relationship are protected against by obscuring the autonomy and identity of those with DPD.
 Treating the Dependent Personality Disorder
Clients with DPD must eventually become more active and self-reliant. This change is quite difficult and will trigger fantasies and fears regarding the consequences of being independent. Should they become more autonomous, most individuals with DPD fear being abandoned by those who currently care for them.
Self-Help
Self-help methods for the treatment of this disorder are often overlooked by the medical profession because very few professionals are involved in them. Suggesting such a support group later in treatment, to help put some of their new skill sets to use in a group setting, may be helpful.
Individuals should likely avoid using a support group as the only means of treatment for this disorder, since it is likely to encourage additional dependent relationships.
Group Therapy
Patients with this condition tend to improve with supportive, insight-oriented individual or group therapy.

(u ovom citatu jasno da sve sto vrijedi za mushko-zensko, moze vrijediti i za zensko-musko, tj. obrat uloga je moguc...)
They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason.
--Thomas Sydenham
...
If someone with a Borderline personality attempts to draw you into a relationship, there is a very simple, concrete way to know it. Pay attention to your stomach. Even though he may initially seem sweet, attentive and empathic, you will likely perceive a subtle tightening in the pit of your abdomen, like a small rock you've suddenly noticed in your shoe-barely noticeable, but there.Listen to that rock, because it is the voice of instinct, and it's trying to tell you something. Listen to your fear and start scanning for an incoming missile. The Borderline is often a tough target to initially confirm, but close attention to his attitudes and behaviors and an emotional position of calm neutrality can help you confirm his threat-potential. And if Borderline is confirmed, get out of there before it's too late.
(evo zasto ja intuiciju uvijek nazivam ‘zelucem’ ...:-)
But if too late has happened, and you are already involved with a Borderline Controller, you have experienced far more than the pinch of a small stone in your gut. You've been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite. The hallmark of this pattern is that "just when things seem to be going well," and he is treating you best, he suddenly turns into a perverse version of Air Jordan and you're the ball. Slam-dunked would be a mild way of describing the receiving end of this intensely emotional pounding.
(mozda nije tako agresivno, kako je tu receno, ali nesto od ovih borderlinea imamo, je li... :( )
Being keel-hauled over a coral reef is a cake-walk, compared to a Borderline's torment.The only thing predictable about such a Controller is his extreme unpredictability. It is only after you become intimately snared into him that you discover the soul-grinder that lies waiting to strike. Until then, you may even find him amazingly attentive, sensitive and empathic to your every need. He can initially appear to be completely non-threatening.
A Borderline Personality Disorder is a master at transforming other's sympathy into pity. In terms of being vulnerable to borderline-manipulation, anyone that is capable of compassion, protectiveness or love can be easily deceived by a Borderline. If one of these extraordinarily deceptive individuals attaches himself to you, and you are particularly prone to confuse pity with love, then you might as well go skin-diving with ether in your scuba-tanks instead of oxygen. A relationship with a Borderline can be like swimming along a stunningly gorgeous coral reef, surrounded by a school of smiling piranha. The scenery may look divine, but you may be dinner.
(ok, zelimo li riskirati ovako nesto? )
If he is Borderline and has locked onto your sympathetic nature, that next encounter may not be too far away.Without the presence of other personality disorders, someone who is Borderline tends to rapidly move toward developing a dependent relationship with those who show them interest and sympathy. An early sign of this dependency can be recognized by a rapid increase in contact, initiated by the Borderline, and a sense that such an individual has an uncanny ability to read you better than a blind man reads Braille.Even though you can develop a very sophisticated form of personality-detection radar, it will never be as subtle or fine-tuned as a Borderline's.
He is the fox who fools the hunters. What can be especially disturbing to others about this chameleon-like "change-ability" is that Borderlines are oblivious to what they are doing. They are not consciously making-up these different identity versions of themselves. They just do it reflexively, as if they run on some instinctually eerie automatic-pilot.Many psychological theories exist to explain this eerie process in a Borderline - from theories on "object relations" to "dissociation." But staying around a borderline Controller long enough to discover the cause of his strange attitudes and behaviors increases the probability of becoming his victim. Hesitation allows time for him to develop an attachment.
(hm... ali borderline je samo najopakiji aspekt... i skriven je i drugim znacajkama. mozemo li se nositi s tim, kad oboje znamo sto drugi radi, mozemo li sebe spasiti i drugom pomoci, jer smo takvi i sami ? ha! zvuci kao zanimljivo, intenzivno iskustvo ;-P )
Do you want me to say it's funny, so you can contradict me and say it's sad? Or do you want me to say it's sad so you can turn around and say no, it's funny?
Edward Albee Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Regardless of how a Controller with a Borderline Personality Disorder can alter and tailor his appearance to deceive others, he still presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern. This pattern usually emerges in three stages or roles: Vulnerable Seducer, Clinger and Hater.
In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion for whatever painful plight he has gotten himself into, because he is a master at portraying himself as the "victim of circumstance." But listen closely to how he sees himself as a victim. As his peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands him - except you. Other people have always left him because of their "insensitivity." He is always being betrayed, just when he starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really know me."
(uhm , zabrinjavajuce? ili je to mozda preopcenito...? u obranu imam samo za reci da zaista mislim da imamo slicne neke tegobe... pa zato velim. ili mozda potcinjavam? ali sljedeci odjeljak je hm, zanimljiv, da to velimo njezno: )
It is this intense way he has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored - almost worshiped. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because every conversation is so intense, and his attention is so focused on you. But if you're paying attention, you will feel his adoration by the third date, or sooner. Initially, it feels like an invisible army of sweet, chocolate ants is subtly infiltrating you. But the invasion may be hard to notice because it feels good.
Here is a man who may look like a dream come true. He not only seems to make you the center of his attention, but he even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. If you have never experienced a man treating you like this before, it can seem like you have really found your heart's desire. But like anything that seems too good to be true, it usually is. While you may think you're about to enjoy the tasty pleasures of a Mr. Goodbar, Mr. Goodbar is about to take more than a taste out of you. And borderline men emotionally eat their women whole.Once he has successfully candied his hook with adoration, he will weld it into place by reeling in your attention and concern. His intense interest in you subtly transforms. He still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. His interest becomes your exclusive interest in him. This is when things begin to feel "uncomfortable." Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate him, but only when they focus on his problems.
Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way rescues.
He is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. He can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in his moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.But after every emotional Vesuvius he pleads for your mercy. And if he has imbedded his guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before he blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of man is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and he is a drowning man. But he drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull him out of the turbulent sea, feed him warm tea and biscuits, wrap him in a comfy blanket and tell him everything is okay, he suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, he still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping him, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself.
(tko je tu kome sto? moze li se svatko od nas nositi sa sobom i tim svojim granicnim ponasanjem? nauciti stati prije nego sto ozlijedi oboje? i, uostalom, nije li ovakva duboka vrst bliskosti ogranicenje za neki idealizam odnosa? jest, ali. samo se stedimo dublje boli, zar ne? ma, i ovo receno je prilicno ekstremno. svejedno, uzorak se i dalje moze razaznati, opasno jasno, je li? bar ja svoj iz nekog proslog odnosa... i pitam se onda, koliko znam bolje...? )
Sex will be like a rocket ride on the Oblivion Express. Anyone who can be so instinctually tuned in to reading your needs and manipulating them can also pinpoint your g-spot with the fine-tuned skill of a Swiss jeweler cleaving a diamond. It will seem wonderful - for a while.The intensity of his erotic passion can sweep you away like a strange destiny on the blue sea of august, but his motive for lusting upon you is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of his disorder. Intensity is his trump-card. But the other side of him is driven by an equally concentrated need to control you.
(i malko obratnih strahova, obrata kontrole... zamijenimo tu M sa F: )
Shortly after he had seduced and married his third wife, a Controller named "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of sexually controlling his woman. Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of his wife's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them.Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree.
...
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt you."
Just keep one simple fact always in mind, regardless of whether a Controller is borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic or sadistic: Whenever any of them are criticizing characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements about themselves.
(hm, ovo sam jednom rekao u nekom weblogu prije... ono sto te najvise smeta kod drugih, tvoje su znacajke. )
(diskusija s ROMEO'S BLEEDING "When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong" Part 4 and 5 - When Love is a Four-letter Word By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP)
You can run, but you can’t hide.
—Joe Louis
The Key to Counter-Control
If you possess a strong sense of responsibility, Controllers will use it against you. Understanding how to prevent a Controller from manipulating your conscience is key in learning how to "counter - control." Moral integrity is one of the finest assets a person can possess, but it can attract a Controller the way a "hot target" attracts a cruise missile. When dealing with a Controller, conscientiousness can be your Achilles’ Heel.
Integrity and conscientiousness remind Controllers of their most profound character flaw. They hate being reminded of what they do not have. They hate those qualities in others because Controllers cannot possess them. That is one reason that they are attracted to integrity. But their attraction is rooted in a desire to dominate or destroy. They must manipulate, rule or emotionally and psychologically annihilate anyone whose soundness of character reminds them of their own profoundly egotistical, selfish and empty natures.
All effective counter-control is rooted in understanding how a Controller manipulates someone’s conscience and uses it against him or her. But the great trick to discovering how to effect practical counter-control is in knowing how to overcome a Controller’s amorally motivated drive to control, without turning into a Controller yourself.
(Evo zasto ja, i ti. Jer se drugi ne mogu nositi s tim. Ne bi znali zasto, ni mi ni oni, jednostavno bi pukli, ne bi znali sto (im, i si) radimo, i otisli bi... I svi bi patili. A to nije cilj. Mogu li dva cudovista jedno drugog preobraziti u nesto dobro, a pritom i jako? Laksi je nacin otici. Idemo, skupa dalje. Uostalom, tko ce imati vise strpljenja sa zajebanim likovima, nego oni koji to i sami iskushavaju... Ali u tome je i opasnost od onog vjecnog kruzenja, vjecne borbe, tko ce koga potciniti, i duboke patnje, jer zelimo isto: osloboditi se te potrebe za potcinjavanjem, samo to zelimo. Kako bi mogli biti skupa, s nekim, ili jednostavno, samo skupa :))
(diskusija s ROMEO'S BLEEDING "When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong" Part 6 - Conclusion: Counter-control By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP)
 

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
--Ambrose Bierce
(ovaj disklejmer sam zadnji put zaboravio:)
This series is written for people--not professionals. For our purposes here, a realistic, everyday explanation of Controller characteristics can be of greater direct benefit, since the aim of this series is to provide a practically useable guide for self-preservation-not a clinical analysis. Therefore, please do not use this material to pigeonhole everyone you meet with a "diagnosis." Leave treating people like pigeons to the professionals. As we move along through this series of articles, try not be intimidated by "clinical" terms, such as 'personality disorder,' 'borderline,' 'sociopath,' etc. They are just words professionals have come to use in describing different technical aspects of mind and personality. The issue here is learning about control and Controllers. In particular, this series is about learning clear-cut, practical ways of spotting them and dealing with them. Think of Romeo's Bleeding as both map and compass. It is designed to help you safely navigate the often-treacherous waters of romance, love and finding the Right guy to have as a boy-friend or even as just a good friend.
(_)
At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition.In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else's universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else's wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other's worship.It is as if these kind of men view reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and golden mirror. Hardened against the truth of the world outside himself, this psychological citadel resists seeing things as they really are. Like mental bulletproof-glass, these opaque fortress walls deflect any words or actions from others that might threaten his perfect "godlike" image of himself. Everything is perceived through this armored, shining shell, and the world must always treat him as if he were golden. And failure to worship at his shrine can be devastating.
(evo nesto o narcisoidnosti, kako rekoh, nije ona nekako osnovni problem tu, cini mi se... uostalom, ovdje smo podlozni kritici pa se nekako valjda taj dio malo uravnotezi...?)
Most people strive to be socially charming, but this is not the kind of charm displayed by a Narcissistic Controller. The manipulative impact of narcissistic charm is not intended to ease social connectedness. It is designed to establish social dominance. It feels intensely charming. You feel gripped by it, instead of eased by it. Other signs can indicate the presence of narcissistic control, as well.
(eto jos malo o tome kako se zavodi, kako smo zavedeni, kako zavodimo, katkad...)
(diskusija s ROMEO'S BLEEDING When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong Part 3 - The Mirror Men By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP)
uhh, puno posla sve se svud skupilo, na poslu i u glavurdi, i medju elektronima i svud... i nista ne moze cekati... kooooma! koma. brzina je prevelika a informacije zuje i struje u gomilama. ali evo samo kao intro u pravi sadrzaj: 
 
2. Dramatic, emotional, or erratic (cluster B)
a. Histrionic (self-dramatization, exag. display of
                emotion, manipulative, seek approval and praise
                from others, self-centered, unable to delay
                gratification; overconcern with attractiveness)
                -center of attention; appears shallow
b. Narcissistic (from Greek for self love; exag. sense of accomplishments and talents, feeling of entitlement, feelings of insecurity, need approval, reacts poorly to criticism, fantasies of power, brilliance, beauty, feelings of envy)
                -more inflated view of self than histrionic, but less melodramatic.
c. Borderline (instability of self-image, interpersonal relationships, and mood; lots of ups and downs; poor boundaries;
                therapist's "nightmare"; self destructive, self-mutilation, manipulative)
                -instability of moods
                -staff splitting
                -all or nothing thinking (idealization vs. outrage)
d. Anti-social-used to be called sociopath or psychopath.  Pattern of irresponsible and anti social behavior (will go into greater detail)
                -sometimes confused for schizophrenia
3. Anxious or fearful (cluster C)
a. Avoidant (social withdrawal due to social discomfort, fear of negative eval, and timidity; contrast with schizoid)
                -compared to social phobia, more impaired, poorer social skills.
b. Dependent (low self-esttem and dependence on others; unable to make decisions alone; probs with being alone, indecisiveness).
c. Obsessive-compulsive (excessive preoccupation with trivial details at cost of spontaneity and effectiveness; perfectionistic and inflexible; moralistic; judgemental of self and others)
4. Proposed personality disorders
a. Sadistic
                -Intimidation of others through infliction of pain, humiliation, embarrassment, or cruelty.
b. Self-defeating
                -Avoidance of pleasurable experiences; persistent involvement in disappointing or punishing relationships.
c. Depressive
d. Passive-aggressive (indirectly expressed resistance to demands of others; procrastination, dawdling, forgetfulness, intentional inefficiency)
           - tend to communicate hostile feelings through passive means rather than directly or openly.
Tako, zeli li tko pratiti ili sam proucavati, neka upishe 'histrionic', 'dependent' ili 'borderline personality disorder' u google, a moze se jos dodati i 'treatment' ili 'therapy', pa nek cita... (borderline je najjaci, i cini se najvazniji meni, i njoj, ali do njega tko zna kad cu stici doci i nesto promisliti) ... polako redom treba ici, histrionski i nije najvazniji, ovi drugi plavi postoje ali isto nisu temelj nasih zivotnih tegoba, dependent je prilicno povezan s borderline poremecajem, kao sto ce se vidjeti u sljedecem nastavku karikirano-kontrolirane price o krvavim ljubavnicima...
evo neke bolje ideje koje sad skupljam u jedan file za proucavati... uh uh posla pregolemog, al filing je dobar jer se nadas da ce te nekud .... dovest. bas dobar filing, dooooobaaar :))))
 
evo kaj veli borderline,
Borderline Personality Disorder results from desiring, needing, and delighting in relationships; and from fearing, and being distressed by, not getting or losing relationships.
motivation: Want to be free to pursue their desires while still getting dependency needs satisfied.
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html
http://www.toddlertime.com/borderline/dbt/
http://www.geocities.com/ptypes/borderlinepd.html
http://www.psych.org/psych_pract/treatg/pg/borderline_revisebook_index.cfm
hm, ovo sam htio cuvati za poslije, ali jednostavno sve prebrzo ide... evo reklame za Dialectical Behavioural treatment for Borderline personality disorders...
DBT combines Zen philosophy and practice with behavioral analysis and change procedures in the context of Rogerian unconditional regard, empathy, and genuineness. To apply DBT effectively, a therapist has to live DBT (at least from our perspective it works better that way). What this means is that, at its best, DBT is not just a treatment but a way of living. To truly find a way out of the hell associated with BPD, a patient must begin to make a commitment to lifestyle changes, in the face of what at times feels like impossible odds. Our consistent experience has been that DBT provides a map, a compass, and the road. 
Uoci! I 'terapist' i 'pacijent' trebaju zivjeti DBT... Hm ,hm oh Holy grail !!! ;-P
 
i nakraju, evo jos malo o ovisnosti...
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx13t.htm
http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/depend.htm
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe09.html
http://www.unc.edu/~mraney/webdependent.html 
http://ivy_league0.tripod.com/rhyme_of_the_ancient_wanderer/id61.html
(ukratko, fora u terapijama tog 'dependent PD' je nekako u tome da vele da se terapija treba koncentrirat na rjesavanje specificnih problema, inace se stvara ovisnost 'pacijenta' o 'terapeutu', sto je dakako kontraindicirano...)
uhhh jos malo uhhh malo pauze zelimmmm!!!! uhhh nemrem ovak brzoooo.
uglavnom, sutra citajte o tome kako se 'dependent' i 'borderline' urote i stvaraju ... pa kao pakao. malo karikirano, ali i skidajuce...
 

(u ovom citatu jasno da sve sto vrijedi za mushko-zensko, moze vrijediti i za zensko-musko, tj. obrat uloga je moguc...)

The trouble with falling in love is that the fall can terminate against the cold concrete of betrayal. Pain replaces promise, cynicism flowers in place of confidence and hope flees on wings of misled desire.
If both of you gave it your honest best, and it failed to work out, then it's the kind of pain that can heal in time. The experience can even increase the chances for future relationship success. But there are times when the object of your lost affection intensifies the pain-times when someone who looks like the perfect choice turns out to be the perfect heel. And the damage may not be easily undone.
Unlike men that can honestly struggle with their own uncertainties and confusions about a relationship, and recognize the part they play in creating problems and conflicts, there are other kinds of men that see love as a game and you as their pawn. In this cruelly covert contest, cunning is their watchword, deception is their fix, and control is their high.
(dobro, ovo je malo pretjerano u ovom mom, ili nasem, slucaju, rekao bih...)
To these violent men, control is like oxygen. Every sign of submission from others is like the breath of life, falsely confirming their delusion that only brute force affirms their worth. Failing to dominate a woman triggers loose a choking fear in these men, which they cannot face. That hidden fear is the truth that threatens their common delusion of godlike invincibility and exposes them as frightened little men, terrified of everyone and everything, including their own guilt. But guilt, for them, is intolerable.
(ali je zato ovo meni jako zanimljiv point o kajanju... hm, hm, tko me ne zna... boze, pa nisam valjda bas takav?!! ma ne, treba se to shvatiti u nijansama, ali da ima zanimljivih detalja i poveznica, ima...)
They twist responsibility for their cruel actions away from themselves and lay it onto their victims. Their domineering maneuvers are magically excused in their minds. They project their own selfish, manipulative and deceptive defects of character onto the very people they harm, while persistently and vigorously proclaiming themselves as blameless.
Control, itself, is not inherently negative. Everyone wants some form of it. It would be sheer folly to want none in a relationship, especially if you have experienced previous betrayal. But there is a critical difference between healthy and unhealthy control.
A healthy desire for control originates in a need to protect-either someone else or your self. Until a toddler learns the limits of safety and danger in the home, its only source of protection is its parents' limit-setting controls. Movement control is harm control. Love is the motive. Protection is the goal.
(ovo je makijavelizam koji mrzim. a opet ocito je i tu point u nijansama, pravoj mjeri stvari... jer ljutnja na taj makijavelisticki pristup moze biti posljedica bijega od odgovornosti...?)
Unhealthy control originates in a desire to dominate another, either through words or actions designed to both charm and harm--to captivate while simultaneously damaging the emotionally captured. It is this pairing of charm with harm that is the hallmark of Controller manipulations. Preaching sugar while practicing poison, they are experts at concealing their true natures. Hiding bad intentions beneath polished appearances, they have perfected the art of "looking good." It is this uncanny ability of Controllers to alternate looking good with manipulative behavior that perpetuates tormenting emotional snares for those they target as victims. Regret is not in their psychological vocabulary. They harm others because they feel entitled to hurt people. It is not a matter of moral right or wrong to them when they inflict harm. It's only a matter of believing that they "have the right." And if they always believe that right is on their side, which they always do, then any harmful act is always justified.
In over twenty year's work as a therapist, one of the eeriest experiences has been in listening to clients describing control-obsessed parents or partners. It is as if many of the people I have counseled had the same mother, father or relationship partner, stamped out of a small collection of similar molds. Or that all control-obsessed individuals took the same set of courses at Controller College-some with a specialty in narcissistic personality, others in being sociopathic and still others in sadistic or borderline psychopathology. The behaviors and attitudes of each type are so astonishingly similar, it seems as if they must all belong to the same bowling team.
(ovo je _jako_ zanimljivo... ‘control-obsessed parents’. da, reci cete kako je to glupo i bez veze, i poznato, da se sve uvijek moze ‘blame it on parents’, ali zaista kad gledam to mi se cini najlogicniji uzrok moje takve karakterne znacajke: roditelji koji na taj neki suptilni nacin vrse emocionalno podrivanje i kontrolu, vjerojatno mogu uzrokovati pojavu takvih nalik znacajki kod djece? ionako se sve sto se uci, uci iz primjera...?! !)
(diskusija s ROMEO'S BLEEDING When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong Part 1-Control By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP)
(to be continued... indefinitly?, i da, lakse bi mozda bilo, s rucicom u ruci hodit spoznajnim putevima... ne boj se, da, boj me se... volim te sto te trebam. :))