Vicomat

I nisam... vise nikada... ali budem vec... bit ce ponovo I got You under my skin.... obozavam Ratpack...

If I have You.... sometimes true!

Jebeno... hahahahaha.... da to cujem stvarno bi se umislio do kraja zivota :))))

Stvarno ima nesto u toj muzici.... Uvijek postanem lik iz "film noar" ... koji pali pljugu u kisnoj noci i odlazi niz ulicu....

What is the difference between job and wife?
After 10 years job still sucks!
:))) Good one!

Pojma nemam.... idem pogledati film... upravo pocinje! Kad saznam mozda Vam i napisem :))

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Daj mi smirenosti da prihvatim stvari koje ne mogu promijeniti,
 hrabrosti da promijenim stvari koje ne mogu prihvatiti
i mudrosti da sakrijem tijela onih koje sam danas
morao ubiti jer su me raspizdili.
 
Takoder, pomozi mi da pazim cije cu prste danas gaziti
jer oni mogu biti povezani s guzicama koje cu sutra
možda morati ljubiti.
 
Pomozi mi da uvijek dajem 100% na poslu:
12% ponedjeljkom
23% utorkom
40% srijedom
20% cetvrtkom
5% petkom
 
Kad imam stvarno loš dan
i kad mi se cini da me svi samo žele raspizditi,
pomozi mi da ne zaboravim da su
potrebna cak 42 mišica da se namrštim,
a samo 4 da im pokažem srednji prst
i kažem: Popuši mi!

Zelim Vam Bozic pun srca i srce puno Bozica!!

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 48 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be a "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Na svijetu postoji otprilike 2 milijarde djece (osoba ispod 18 godina).Ipak, kako Djed Bozicnjak ne posjecuje Muslimane, Hinduse, Zidove i Budiste, kolicina posla na Bozic se smanjuje na 15%, odnosno sveukupnih 378 milijuna djece (prema Uredu za populacijske statistike). Prema prosjeku od 3.5 djece po kuci, Djed Bozicnjak mora posjetiti 108 milijuna domova, ako pretpostavimo da u svakoj danoj kuci postoji barem jedno dobro dijete. Djed Bozicnjak ima oko 31 sat Bozica za rad, zahvaljujuci razlicitim vremenskim zonama i Zemljinoj rotaciji, te ako  pretpostavimo da putuje sa istoka na zapad (sto se cini logicnim). Tako dobivamo da Djed Bozicnjak posjeti 967,7 kuca u sekundi. Prema tome, za svaki dobar krscanski dom sa dobrim djetetom, Djed Bozicnjak ima oko tisucinu (1/1000) sekunde da zaustavi sanjke, iskoci, uzme darove, uskoci u dimnjak, napuni carape, nadje bor, ostavi ostatak darova pod borom, popne se natrag kroz dimnjak, uskoci u sanjke i dodje do slijedece kuce.
Pretpostavljajuci da je svih 108 milijuna stajalista jednako rasporedjeno po Zemlji (samo u svrhe naseg proracuna), govorimo o 1,24 kilometra razmaka od jedne do druge kuce; iz cega proizlazi ukupan put od 120,8 milijuna kilometara, ne ukljucujuci Bozicnjakove odlaske na WC ili stanke za jelo /pice. Iz navedenoga proizlazi da je brzina Bozicnjakovih sanjki oko 1080 kilometara u sekundi (3200 puta veca od brzine zvuka!). Za usporedbu, najbrze ikad stvoreno vozilo, svemirska sonda Odisej, ide "svega" 45 kilometara u sekundi (162000 km/h), a normalan jelen najvise 24 km na sat odnosno 0,0066 kilometara u sekundi.Teret saonica je takodjer jedan vrlo interesantan element. Pretpostavimo da svako dijete ne dobije nista vise nego jednu kutiju Lego kockica srednje velicine (oko 860 grama). Tada je ukupna masa tereta na Bozicnjakovim saonicama nesto veca od 500 tisuca tona. Na tlu, normalan jelen ne moze vuci vise od oko 138 kg. Ako uzmemo da Bozicnjakov leteci jelen moze vuci 10 puta vise, Djed Bozicnjak bi trebao oko 360 tisuca letecih jelena da povuku saonice. Masa tolikog broja jelena povecava sveukupnu masu saonica za oko 54 tisuca tona, odnosno za oko 7 puta mase Kraljice Elizabete (broda, ne vladarice). Oko 600 tisuca tona putujuci brzinom od 1080 km/s stvara nezamisliv otpor zraka - takav otpor kakav bi zagrijao jelene toliko jako koliko se zagrije svemirski brod koji ponovno ulazi u Zemljinu atmosferu. Prednji par jelena apsorbirao bi oko 14,3 kvintilijarde djula energije u sekundi. Ukratko, taj par bi se, cim krene, pretvorio u nimalo lijep prizor zivih baklji, izlazuci jelene iza njih, te dovodeci do lancane reakcije u kojoj bi svih 360-ak tisuca jelena izgorilo za oko 4,26 tisucina sekunde, odnosno tocno na vrijeme da Djed Bozicnjak dodje do pete kuce na svom putu. Djed Bozicnjak bi, kao rezultat akceleracije sa 0 km/s na 1080 km/s u tisucini sekunde, bio izlozen akceleracijskoj sili 17,5 tisuca puta vecoj od one maloga g, tj. 175000 m/s^2. Djed Bozicnjak mase 115 kg (sto je vrlo malo za Djeda Bozicnjaka) bio bi prikovan za kraj svojih saonica sa 1984906,9 kilograma sile, sto bi mu trenutacno smrvilo kosti i organe pretvarajuci ga u kasastu ljubicasto-crvenkastu tekucinu.
Prema tome, ako je Djed Bozicnjak ikada i postojao, sada je sigurno mrtav.

Čovjek  vodi  ljubav  s  ljubavnicom. Lud'lo . Sve  se  trese.Otvaraju se vrata - ulazi njen muž - 2 metra - tezak 130kg.Hvata nesretnika za nogu i vrat, iznosi ga na terasu i baca sa 14-tog kata. Čovjek dok pada razmišlja - Konju jedan koji ti je kurac ovo trebalo - imam super ženu, djecu, kola, plaću......Dolje prolazi traktor i vuče prikolicu sa sijenom i čovek - tras - pada na sijeno. Ustaje - otresa ono sijeno sa sebe i kaže - "E, što ja serem kad se uplašim".

Prvi školski dan u jednoj američkoj srednjoj školi. Učiteljica predstavlja novog učenika Šakira Suzukija iz Japana.
Počinje sat i nastavnica ispituje: "Sada ćemo vidjeti koliko poznajete američku povijest.
Tko je rekao "Slobodu ili smrt."
Odjednom tišina i samo Suzuki digne ruku: "Patrick Henry godine 1775 u Philadelphii.""Vrlo dobro Suzuki".
A tko je rekao"Država je narod i kao takva nesmije nikada umrijeti"
Suzuki ustane: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863 u Washingtonu."
Nastavnica strogo pogleda učenike pa reče: "Sramite se. Suzuki je Japanac pa poznaje američku povijest bolje od Vas"
Tihi glas iz kraja razreda: "Jebite se, posrani Japanci""Ko je to rekao" - vikne učiteljica.
Suzuki digne ruku i reče "General MacArthur, 1942 u Guadalcanalu, i  Lee Iacocca 1982 na skupštini dioničara Chryslera, Detroit."
Razred je u tišini samo se iz pozadine čuje "Puši kurac!" Učiteljica sva izvan sebe: "Sad je kraj. Tko je to bio?"
Suzuki: "Bill Clinton Monici Levinsky, Oval Office, 1997 u Washingtonu. "
Drugi učenik se prodere: "Suzuki je sranje!"
Suzuki: " Valentino Rossi u Rio de Janeiru na moto Grand-Prix Brazila 2002."
Razred pada u histeriju, učiteljica u nesvijest a na vrata ulazi ravnatelj škole:"U pičku materinu, još nikad nisam vidio takav kaos".
Suzuki: "Premijer Hrvatske ministru financija prilikom predstavljanja državnog proračuna, Zagreb 2003."

Jednom sam vec napisao da od mojih frendova svaki ima neku specijalnu sposobnost koja ga izdvaja od ostalih. Jedan od nas je specijalno lud, jednostavno je podvojena licnost, nikad neznas kaj ce izvesti ni sto mozes od njega ocekivati... Uglavnom upozna on curu, zgodna, pristojna iz fine familije, i pomisli on hm... mozda bih ovaj put trebao biti pristojan, fin, pouzdan, predvidljiv, stabilan, sve sto bi po misljenju vecine pravi muskarac trebao biti. Ostavila ga je... culi smo da je rekla frendicama da nije dovoljno lud za nju :)))

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "C". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ye vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place.