Svaštara by The Kid

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' - Ronnie Shakes
TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done. - Miguel Ettema
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. - Bruce Graham
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday. - Rick Fields
In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid - Brian E. Moore
When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. - Matt Groening
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution - Homer
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. - Steve Rubenstein
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. - Yakov Smirnoff
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working. - Anonymous
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. - Mitch Radcliffe
Great men talk about ideas; Mediocre men talk about things; Small men talk about people - Admiral Hyman Rickover
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams
Lastly (and this is, perhaps, the golden rule), no woman should marry a man who does not smoke. - Robert Louis Stevenson
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz
I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever. - Jennifer Love Hewitt
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. - Nancy Reagan
People Ask Me, "Why is it free?" and I tell them (really slowly) "Because it doesn't cost anything - Bill Austin
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear - J.B. Morton
Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. - Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783
Too many errors on one line (make fewer) - Apple MPW C compiler error message
Never believe anything until it's officially denied. - Margaret Atwood
A motorcycle is a combination of pony, blow dryer, and vibrator - perfect for girls of all ages - Colin MacDonald
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing. But, you could see it a lot better - Dave Weinstein
Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary. - Phill Hallam-Baker
Science is one thing and Wisdom is another. Science is an edged tool, with which men play like children, and cut their own fingers - Thomas Love Peacock
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. - P.J. O'Rourke
Like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetric as it might seem - Marc Unangst
I doubt my getting fired from the Dairy Queen is a bellwether of recession, but it sure is a bellwether of I stuck my wang in the butterscotch - Jake Edie
When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist - Dom Helder Camara
I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. - Gavin Rossdale
For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3 - Mike Batchelor
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality - Dante
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail - Gore Vidal
I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot - Bob Van Voris
Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat - Jennifer L. Dziura
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to fifty words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese - Carl Sagan
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich - Napoleon
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards - Alexander Jablokov
Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite - John Kenneth Galbraith
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't - Sacha Guitry
If the birth of a genius resembles that of an idiot, the end of a Havana Corona resembles that of a 5-cent cigar - Sasha Guitry
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding - John Updike
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer - Frank Zappa
When I saw him, I liked him. When I liked him, I Loved him. When I Loved him, I lost him - Julia Lasalle
Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time - Creed Erickson
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat - Oxford Union Society rules
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. - Dave Barry
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues - Elizabeth Taylor
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live - Lin Yutang
You know you're no longer a teenager when the mere sight of one annoys the fuck out of you - Jennifer Knipper
7 deadly sins in one sentence: It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to fuck If I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day - Steve Archer
Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins - Tom Stoppard
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway - unknown
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown - William Jeffereys
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination - Thomas De Quincey
It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea - Ross Callon