Svaštara by The Kid

http://www.innergeek.us/geek.html
Ovo bi inace islo pod "Links...", ali znam da ne biste skuzili... :)
Ja sam dobio samo 12.03156% - Geekish Tendencies - mislim da je to premalo!!! :I
Anybody? :P

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BITCH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY  HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I  DON'T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG***
t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.****
BlackAdder has been kicked by t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

I lost my virginity at the age of twenty two (sorry for bragging...)   I am not proud of this "achievement". I was always a shy, awkward teenager and anytime I went near the opposite sex I would turn to jelly and perspire like hell. Twenty two years is a long, long time to go without having sex. It is rather weird to miss something you never had before.
I would get so desperate for a true loving relationship that I would often turn to my pillow in the pits of my despair and pretend the pillow was my girlfriend. (Please, keep the more perverted thoughts out of your minds for now as I never abused a pillow) I would gently hold the pillow in my loving hands and whisper sweet nothings into it's ear. I would lovingly stroke it slowly (I'm talking about the pillow here, folks...) The pillow would not respond. This is the same reaction I get now from my wife.
When I finally lost my virginity it was with a girl from California, who shall remain nameless so she does not sue me for defamation of character. Lovemaking was not my specialty up to that point. If I had a specialty up to that point in my life it was probably how to act like a total geek. (A virgin geek, I should add...) She was also a virgin but there was still a big difference between us.  She had a few more brain cells than  I did, not to mention larger breasts...
Finally I was in the arms of a female and to make matters even better, she was naked. It sure felt better than a pillow. This would be the day I finally lost my virginity (and hopefully my nerdy personality.) 
I thought I had died and gone to heaven as I began the ritual of doing the funky monkey. I would show her I was a real man! After twelve seconds of romantic foreplay I did the nasty deed (someone had to do it and it was my damn turn) Finally, after years of waiting to get back in, I was home again. I would finally get to experience what every man loves the most (besides his television remote control)  At last I understood the pure joy my dog got out of humping the hall rug. 
I was finally having sex and for it being my first time, I was doing pretty damn good, or so I thought... She softly whispered in my ear that I was only  between her thighs. This did not help my confidence but it felt pretty damn good for just being thighs.  Now, I do know the difference between a couple of thighs and (as Bruce Springsteen called it in a song, "The Secret Garden") but I just wasn't a professional gardener yet.
After the embarrassment faded away I finally lost my virginity and I am proud to say I have never gotten it back. Twenty years later I can happily proclaim I  now know how to pleasure a woman. Do the dishes, vacuum and take out the garbage and don't dare bring up the topic of having sex...

All of my life I have hated the world of insects. You name the bug and I hate it. I suppose the top insects I dislike would be mosquitos, ants and bees. Flies are kind of cool though. Yes, they are filthy creatures from the bowels of hell but they are fun to swat and kill. I think they get a kick out of being chased from room to room. They will buzz around you until you are half insane and you grab the fly swatter. Of course, then the fly vanishes into thin air. (It's probably just around the corner, snickering...) Put the swatter down and within a minute it is back buzzing around your smelly feet. In the long run the fly knows it's going to be performing an elaborate death scene but it sure gets a kick out of teasing you. Damn flies...I almost like them. I almost feel that when I kill one I should perform a religious ceremony and sprinkle it with holy water.
Mosquitos are not cool at all. One of my first memories as a little boy is a mosquito buzzing in my ear and it telepathically said to me "Have a good life, kid, I'll be irrattating the hell out of you until you are six feet under!".  I once had two mosquitos fly into my ear and they mated. The birth scene seven days later was annoying as hell...
I guess bees are my least favorite insect and in the last week I've especially grown to hate them a lot. We have an unfinished basement and somehow two or three bees would get into the room every day and drive me up a wall.  We didn't want to use any bug spray in the house so I found where they were getting in from outside and decided to spray there. It worked wonders. Not a single bee was now outside! 
It was now the battle of the bees starring the biggest chicken in the whole world and his trusty fly swatter. Every day I would kill up to twelve bees with my swatter and whatever else I could get my hands on, excluding a bb gun. After a few days of warfare (which surprisingly CNN never covered) it was down to the final annoying bee and me. I knew, since I weighed approximately 567,456,234 times more than the bee, I had a decent chance of winning the war. Plus I'm more intelligent but don't tell my wife I said that.
It was me against the bee from hell. It kept flying around the basement light, showing off it's flying prowess. Doing fancy little dips and flips as if I was a judge in the Insect Olympics. I took my very manly pink fly swatter and swatted in a very  limp-wristed way at the smart-assed scrawny little bugger. I wasn't exactly the Babe Ruth of fly swatting so I sort of missed it by a few inches (okay, feet...) I swear the bee had it in for me because his buzz was getting very arrogant. Since we had no bug spray in the house I took out a can of Glade "Melon Burst". My theory in using the air freshener was the spray would get the bee's wings all sticky and he (or she...) would fall to the floor and surrender. 
I sprayed the bee but it kept on doing fancy flips and dips. At least the bee smelled melony fresh now. After three or four swats at the bee I was starting to look foolish. I was determined that the next swat was going to be the one. I swear this was like slow motion. The bee flew away from me and all of a sudden it was coming right for my head. Perhaps I was hallucinating from too much air freshener in the air but I think it stuck it's tongue out at me. It was about a foot away from my honey skinned face when I screamed out "DIE DIE DIE!!!" and I hit the bugger dead on and it flew like a baseball being hit out of Rigley Park. Damn showoff of a bee even did a fancy pirouette for it's death scene. I'd give it a 9.20 out of 10.
Since that two hour battle I have become quite the expert in bee killing. Now I carry my trusty pink flyswatter and my can of Glade "Melon Burst" wherever I go and not a single bee comes within a mile of me. Come to think of it, neither does a single human being.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to  take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always  remember me."
 
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you  leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
 
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da  business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa  money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
 
Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in  bed with another man. What you do then? Point to you  watch and say, "TIMES UP?"

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!

1. We're not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.
2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.
3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5. Don't treat us like garbage - what goes around comes around.
6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.
7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.
8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.
9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.
10. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.
11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, 'NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.
12. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something wrong.
13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.
14. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.
15. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.
16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.
17. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.
18. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.
19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.
20. We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked his Father, "What is this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old women stepped out.
The Father looked at his son and said, "Go get your mother."

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says:  "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
 

01. Technical Support calls "YOU" for help.
02. Someone at work tells you a joke & you say LOL outloud.
03. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
04. You've to get a 2nd phoneline so you can call Pizza Hut.
05. You don't know where the time has gone.
06. Your wife now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
07. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
08. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your wife is asleep.
09. You find yourself lying 2 others about your time online.
10. You'd rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying 2 much than the truth - online all night.
11. Your dog leaves you. Your wife threatens to...
12. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
13. You have a map on the wall with lots of red pins to mark where people are you have met.
14. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
15. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
16. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you've your first cup of coffee.
17. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
18. You get up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
19. You stop typing whole words and use things like brb, dunno and
20. You type faster than you think.
21. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
22. You dream in "text".
23. You double click your TV remote.
24. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail.
25. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail"

I can't think of anything ruder than people who have to be all brainy and intelligent. As my mother used to say, if you can't say anything mundane, don't say anything at all. She was right: It's not nice to be smarter than other people.
Why did you have to say all that stuff about that book you're reading? Would it have been so hard to keep your love of literature to yourself? When you display your intelligence to the people you're talking to, you're really just telling them that you don't have enough respect for them to keep your smarts to yourself.
Reeling off a list of your favorite jazz artists may make you a good parrot, but it doesn't make you a good person. Good people hold their tongues, knowing they could hurt someone's feelings if they show knowledge the other person doesn't have.
I'm sorry to have to set you straight, but most people don't speak because they want to be educational. They speak because they want to be nice. They have an interest in interacting with other people in a non-confrontational manner that doesn't make them feel like dummies.
In other words, they just want to be friendly. What's friendly about bringing up some article about the Mideast crisis you read in The New York Times? Not much, that's for certain. No, it's friendlier to say unchallenging things and let everyone feel like they know as much as you do.
There's more to life than being well-informed and cultured. There's good graces, good manners, and good old-fashioned horse sense—especially when it comes to knowing when to talk and when to keep your mouth shut. And, let me tell you, you may know something about astronomy, but you could certainly stand to learn a thing or two about politeness.
Do you think people want to hear your views on abstract art or the First Amendment? No one wants to hear things they don't already know, because that just makes them feel dumb.
I don't think it's your goal to try to make people feel stupid, but you seem to have this fixation with sharing your intelligence with others. That doesn't make any sense to me. Do you know how you sound when you do that? When you say something like "I'm a big Kubrick fan," what people hear is, "Look at me! I know things!" And nobody likes to hear that.
I don't know why you want to come off all smart and well-read, anyway. Sure, with your head full of facts, you may seem to have the world at your feet, but if you keep it up, you'll soon have no one to share it with. Smart people are the loneliest people in the world. They don't have anyone to talk to except other smart people, and who wants to join a conversation between two smart people? No one I know.
So, if you want to keep the friends you have and maybe even make some new ones, try being a little less of a know-it-all and a little more of a know-it-some. I mean, would it really kill you to think the capital of Illinois is Chicago? It could only help. Trust me.

I think the Internet is wonderful, although the glut of porno sites is a little sickening. I recently did a study on these porno sites by visiting as many as possible for the past year and a half. It really got me quite mad viewing all of the filth and I am so glad my research has ended. Like they say, "Once you have seen a breast, you want to see more and more"...
I have come to the conclusion from this study that there are far too many pornographic sites. What really ticked me off the most was hardly any of the sites were free, so my Visa bill is sky high at the moment.
I have been spending way too much time online. I do not think it's healthy for anyone to be online (or playing computer games) for more than two or three hours a day. In fact, I think one hour a day is enough for everyone, unless they have found an excellent porn site, of course. Still, it is hard to quit a bad habit but I am slowly changing my ways.
I realized I was online too much on the first day of January, when I  looked over at my dog and realized he was severely dehydrated.  The poor dog had not been fed or given water for God knows how long. The dogs painful glare slapped me back into reality. At about the same time that I noticed my dog moaning and groaning I smelled something sickening  in the air. Shockingly, I quickly discovered the smell was emitting from my entire body. I never knew I could stink so good. This usually happens when you have not showered for the past week or so. I decided on that fateful day (January 3rd) to get away from the Internet for a few moments and clean myself up a little. On the way to the washroom I threw some "Kibbles and Bits" into the my dogs bowl. I have never seen a dog chow down food so fast in my life!
On the way back downstairs to the computer room after my quick shower, I glanced over and noticed something on the kitchen counter. It was  a note. The note was from my wife and as I read the letter, I burst out into tears of shame. (The last time I cried that much was when I received my last Visa statement in the mail.)    
THE NOTE SHE WROTE:
Dear The Kid,
I am leaving you and I am taking the children (their names are Ryan and Michael for future reference). I'm not sure which day you will finally find this note as you only come upstairs a few times a year but this was written on January 22nd, 2001. 
Please find time in your BUSY SCHEDULE to feed the dog and cats (the dogs name is Elmo, the cats names are Daisy and Misty) I will be in contact with you through my lawyer because our marriage is over. I will leave you with your new lover. I think she goes by the nickname "Internet".
Your former wife,  "Whats-her-name"
 
Boy, did I ever have egg on my face! Since that depressing day I have tried to get my life back in order.  The family is back home and my wife has almost forgiven me, although the dog and cats constantly give me dirty looks. Most importantly of all, I have stopped being so selfish and I have cut back my time on the Internet by almost half. This gives me roughly twenty five minutes of quality time with my loved ones, surfing the Net together as one big happy family!

God bless the man who invented the television remote control.  It had to be a man that invented it, as a woman would have taken one look at her idea and said "What the hell would I do with one of these anyway!" It has been stated that dog is man's best friend, but in the last few years, I believe the television remote control has replaced that belief.
The following is man's worst fear (besides death, taxes and his wife calling out his name...) It is sitting down in his favourite chair, getting ready to watch television. He extends his hand to pick up his remote control from the end table and THE REMOTE CONTROL IS NOT THERE. Panic, dread and anger fill his soul and he leaps up and yells at the top of his lungs "Where the hell is my remote control!!!" Silence fills his once boisterous home as his wife and children stand at attention, ready at anytime for a strip search. He looks under all the cushions, under all the tables and chairs, under the rug and gives a demonic glare at his dog. Of course, after a half hour of searching every nook and cranny in the livingroom, his wife hands him the remote control and says "You left it in the washroom again..."
I still remember the first time I fell in love. I was thirteen and my mother handed me a remote control for the first time. She showed me how it changed the channels, lowered and raised the volume and turned the television off and on. This was the last time my mother ever touched the remote, as I had it in my possession from then on. It was love at first flick. This was even better than the first Playboy magazine I had just seen! My mother went off to do the laundry and I sat on the couch grasping the remote control with all my might. I felt the power surge through my veins. I was KING OF THE LIVING ROOM! As long as I had this little device in my little hand, I was in control.
The following I will remember the rest of my life. I pressed a button and the channel changed. I watched what was on the station for a good five seconds and then pressed the button again. A different channel, a different program and a different outlook on life! This was what life is all about! There would be the odd occasion when I would actually watch a complete show, but I had to have the remote control in my hand, just in case there was an emergency or something. Even if I had to go to the kitchen to get a snack or to the washroom, I carried it with me...just in case. When I die, I have asked my wife to make sure when I'm lying in my casket, to lovingly put the remote control in my crossed hands (batteries included, of course.)

1. Step up to the toilet with your legs almost touching the side of the toilet. If the toilet seat is down, do not worry or get confused.
2. Lift both toilet seats up by firmly gripping the seat with a thumb and index finger (preferably from the same hand). Both seats should rest on back of toilet bowl now.
3. Unzip your pants and release your manhood (if you can find it...). If you can't find it, do not panic. Just turn around and sit down like the ladies do and skip the rest of this course.
4. Once your manhood is firmly gripped in your hand (or hands if you are hung like a horse) pee CAREFULLY directly into the water that is located INSIDE the toilet bowl. (Try not to sneeze now or your pee pee will be all over the floor and walls)
5. After your pee pee has ceased to exist, gently shake your manhood three times while still aiming at the water, so the pee pee does not leak down your pants afterwards... (IMPORTANT: Do not shake it more than three times or you might start to enjoy it too much)
6. Now gently slip your manhood back into your pants and zip up your pants. Please make sure your manhood is not sticking partially out while zipping up or you will quickly know what major pain feels like.
7. Now comes the HARD part (I know you can do it because you are a real man). Remember your thumb and index finger used earlier? Extend them once more and firmly grasp the toilet seat. Gently and confidently lower the seats so the water bowl is covered. If you are worried about germs you may use your foot or call for your wife/girlfriend for assistance.
8. Last thing to do is to FLUSH THE TOILET and you are finished with the fine art of going pee pee.
You have now learned proper toilet etiquette. Hold your head up high and be proud.  
Finally, after all these years, you are a real lady's man! 

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away-and barefoot.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture-you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation-because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a (chocolate) cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of hips change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.